Kara’s Writing

Optional 12.8.08

I’ve really struggled writing this week and last so bear with me on this post.

I bought new boots Sunday afternoon. I saved up for them, looked at styles extensively and weighed my options – leather or suede, brown or black (or purple! or grey!), flat or heels, plain or buckles. You ladies know how many choices there are. I ended up with a reddish brown leather pair, adjustable buckles on the calf for when you tuck in jeans (can make it wider) or for tights (can make it snug), 1/2 inch heel. I love them. They are incredibly comfortable and stylish and I have worn them everyday since. I planned all my outfits around them, and show them off to everyone I know who will appreciate them – the ladies in the break-room at work, my girlfriends, the lady in the checkout lane at the store. I’m proud of my choice.

However, the VERY first day I scruffed not one, but both shoes. I am not the most graceful walker at times and now I have marks on both boots – right on the toe. The marks are tiny, but it makes me both sad and really, really pissed that I already messed them up.

I must admit I am a perfectionist. I like things to be just so – the blanket folded a specific way, the pillows tossed a specific way, the dishes stacked, the folders organized, the boxes lined up – you get my drift. I can be anal. I know it’s something I need to work on. But what surprises me is how lazy I can also be – I’ll let the house turn into what looks like a heap of trash, papers, clothes, shoes, dog toys and dishes then freak out and obsess over every minor detail of cleaning, straightening and putting things away.

I know that at the end of the day nothing is perfect, will be perfect or stay perfect for very long. There are always messes to clean, blankets to refold, things to throw out. And in my life, this fact brings me a lot of comfort. I truly get upset when things don’t go the way I played them out in my mind – not just because I have control issues, but also because I don’t like disappointing anyone. I want to be viewed as perfect, or at least as someone who has their crap together. Or maybe a person who has just minor issues, but the most part has their crap together. An 8 or a 9 if 10 equals perfection.

This is all hoped for. I know God doesn’t want me to strive like this for other people – this sort of mentality is very unGodly because it basically says that I care more about people’s opinions than the Lord’s. It is also unGodly because it’s self-focused and really, aren’t people totally immersed in their own lives? I have to be pretty self-centered to think that others are always thinking about me and what I’m doing or reacting to me because of ME, not whatever is going on in their life.

This is a huge mental struggle for me – the balance between wanting things to be perfect and the fact that they never will be. And my heart struggle is the execution of this – striving for perfection in God’s eyes as opposed to man’s. My boots are where I am going to start on addressing this. I worked hard for them and love them, and they’re no longer “perfect”, but I have to be ok with that. The only perfection in my life is Christ.

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